The 3 Keys to Freeing Yourself From Victimhood: The Subtle Power of Choices

Would you like to know a secret to feeling really good about yourself? Beware once you fully grasp this secret you will have a renewed sense of power. You will have the keys to unlock the victimhood cage that we can easily find ourselves in. This cage sneaks up on all of us. The secret is not about focusing on the positive in your life. It’s not about boasting your ego or loving yourself more. Sure these are great things, but they don’t clear the clutter that gets in the way of you saying yes to your most vibrant life. Instead, the secret is grounded in something way more instinctual, something inherent in your power as a human being: your power to choose. 

Your Freedom Lies In Your Subtle Choices

We are always making decisions. Even when we are indecisive, we are choosing not to choose. The one basic thing all of us have in common is our power to make internal decisions about our character, our beliefs, our values, and our experience of things. These are the choices I’m talking about here. These internal decisions are subtle, but by no means are they small!

Subtle choices hold the power to open our lives to the freedom we truly desire: the freedom to live with an open-heart full of passion, purpose, and play on our own terms. 

Who’s ready to feel more grounded, in integrity with yourself, and really let bliss permeate your cells?

I sure the hell am!!! 

Be Aware of These 4 Human Pitfalls

First off, let’s look at these 4 distortions that can get in the way of our power to make an internal decision for our wellbeing. When we are under stress we can slip into these ways of thinking easily. 

1. Our happiness and wellbeing is dependent on something in the future and/or outside of ourselves.

This one is a sneaky bastard. You may think you are being wise, that you are motivating yourself to get to a goal, but this is a decision you’re making. You are saying I can’t be happy until ____.

You won’t be free of this vicious cycle unless you decide to be now. Also, watch out for sayings like, “I can’t feel ____ until they _____” or “If they didn’t ____ then I wouldn’t be _____.”  You absolutely have autonomy over your energy. We’re human, reality affects us, but we don’t have to stay in an emotional, reactive place. Release whatever baggage you have tied up with your wellbeing. If you get stuck here often, it’s okay, get yourself a coach or a therapist who can help you untangle this way of thinking so you can reclaim your emotional wellbeing. If you’re interested in an introduction to taking back control of your life while in relationships check out the book Codependent No More. 

2. Always looking for and seeing what is wrong

It is a survival instinct from our reptilian brain to be on the look out for danger. It’s normal, but if you’re like me you want to be the best version of yourself you can in this lifetime. Also, depending on your childhood and your life experience you can have an overreactive nervous system that easily goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. This can cause someone to become hyper-vigilant to threats, either external or internal. 

I am a recovering problem solver. I’m the friend you come to brainstorm and figure out how to solve your problems, BUT a lot of things in this world, things that really matter, are not solvable. When it comes to living soul-centered and with an open-heart we do not approach life from this hyper-rational lens. Girl, you gotta tell the boss in you to sit the fuck down sometimes. 

3. Fear of the consequences of making a choice

Caroline Myss in her Ted Talk, Choices That Can Change Your Life, says, “Choice is the most powerful thing we got going for us and we know it. And that’s the reason why we’re terrified to make a choice…. Terrified of being held accountable to the consequences.”

We all have fear when we make decisions, when we say yes to something or someone. Of course, depending on the vastness of the choice we are making, it may feel heavier or lighter. If you’re thinking well what about big decisions—ones like moving to a new city, getting married, and changing careers—I’m here to relieve the weight of the consequences from these. There’s no such thing as a big decision in which you make once and don’t look back. Everyday you make choices. You re-decide what you are committing to. As you go through the keys to unlocking the victimhood cage, you’ll discover that when our decisions are grounded in our values the consequences of them are easier to take responsibility for.

4. Making a decision one way because the other way is bad

Do you know why you get an icky feeling about positive affirmations? I can tell you why. When used incorrectly, we deny what we perceive as bad. You want to make sure you are not letting this black and white thinking dominate your decisions. For example, I see the good in circumstances or I am excellent at my job. If there is a lot of emotion involved it means you’ve hit a complex and there is more than meets the eye. You can’t just wish away negative beliefs you have about yourself with positive affirmations. I think we can choose positivity in a way that honors all that is. To change those decisions to one’s that are more inclusive they would be: I choose to come back to the wisdom I learn in my circumstances and I choose to work toward excellence in all that I do. 

 The 3 Keys to Freeing Yourself from Your Victimhood Cage

Key #1 Focus on What You Can Control

I got these three choices from Eckhart Tolle in his book, The Power of Now. We only have these three choices in any given situation. Ahhh—what a relief! If you’ve had some difficulty in “trying” to change a situation read The Truth About “Trying”.

1. You can change the situation

Now, I’m not saying to control the situation (i.e., manipulate, demand, coerce) only for your benefit. In life, we are always in relationship. Every decision we make influences others.

Thus within this choice, we honor both who within us is feeling like this situation is not ideal and the other people involved. Be open to seeing new perspectives: is there a shift you can make internally that will change how you behave and possibly change how other’s respond? Do you need to be flexible in the outcome, taking into account other’s wishes and needs? Is there a need or value you have that is not being honored? If yes, communicate it. If there is any uncertainty knowing what you need/want, I suggest you find someone who can hold space for you to explore this while helping you see the situation from many angles. Someone like a coach, a therapist, or a friend who listens without jumping in to give advice.

2. You can leave the situation

Depending on how you usually react to intolerable situations, this can be a sound option. If you have already tried to change the situation and you cannot accept it, let me give you permission to leave. You have to honor what is real within you. If you keep finding yourself in scenarios where you have to leave, it may be wise to look at how you got there. Do you accept everything until you can’t take it anymore? Can you do anything right now to remedy the situation?

This option can be hard, as you are leaving behind what you know, and stepping into a new chapter. It may be wise to get a coach or a therapist as you make the transition. You have the power to leave, so you can yes to something different.

3. You can accept the situation

I’m not an advocate for settling for less than what you want or need, but often we put a lot of energy into trying to control and change external things when they really don’t have that much relevance over our wellbeing. We just think they do. What would it be like to stop resisting what is? What if you accepted the cards that you were dealt? I learned how to accept situations when I was in tech school in the Air Force. I recall, while marching to school, a loud siren going off. Another airman was huffing and puffing in front of me, and I could sense everyone’s tension. I smiled and thought wow this spiritual stuff really works; I feel totally content in my body despite the intolerable circumstances. 

Key #2 Be Real & Listen to Your Whole Self

Are you available for what you want? We may make a choice to be more adventurous in bed, but if we do not prioritize letting loose, we are going to have a hard time being adventurous. We can sabotage our intentions when we are not checking in on our energy, time & structure in our daily lives, or any objections in the mind and heart. This is why affirmations don’t usually work. You repeat a sentence but there are opposing forces below the surface against that very affirmation.

If you want a decision to be firm, you must tend to the parts of you that don’t want it to be so. We have many sides to us that all need and want different things. Often an inner rebel or inner child have something to say about the matter. They need to be brought on board or least told what is going to happen. 

Working with another coach, Diana, has helped me discover how I can make better decisions for myself. Ask yourself these questions to hear from your whole self pertaining to a decision you are wanting to make: Why am I making this decision? What is real for me right now? What do I need to be okay with this decision (emotionally, physically)?

Key #3 Affirm & Practice Your Choices Regularly