The Truth About “Trying”

We Try So Hard…

At being disciplined
At showing up on time
At making it work
At losing weight
At managing our time
At looking for the good in situations
At giving up addictions
At being motivated
At making time for everybody
At creating good habits
At being the best we can be
I don’t know about you, but I’m so fucking sick of trying….

This idea of trying can be a way of attempting to control, deny, or alter something (about ourselves or the world). What we want to change, we believe will make our lives better, hence the trying. It’s quite ironic though because we do not change by trying to change.

The more we hold on, the less power we have

The Push & Pull of Control

When we are trying a voice in our head tells us – if only we can control this thing we will be worthy of life. We buy into this belief and attempt to squeeze ourselves into an idea that will bring us worthiness. But there’s another part of us that is resisting control, for one reason or another.

I like to think of this process as two people competing inside of us:

The first person wants to keep everything in order.  They have an idea of how things should be. Looking into the future, they predict the best plan of attack or approach. They feel in order to survive, they must follow this plan of attack.

The other person wants to rebel against the orderer. They don’t want to be controlled, so they attempt to sabotage the order’s timetable. They believe there are other more important things than following the other person’s plan of attack. They could even know something that the orderer (the other person) is not seeing by rigidly controlling their environment.

This conflict is going on inside of us. The result often times is anxiety. How long can they keep up controlling? When will the facade break and what you have been avoiding or denying be revealed to you?

Both of these people inside you are believing an idea about how something should be. Now, this idea can have to do with anything ranging from general aspects of your life (i.e., work stability, body and health regulation, project management, etc.) or specific things you feel some control in (i.e., addictions, aspects in relationships, how you manage your time off, etc.). But the idea they have bought into could be wrong.  They could feel overwhelmed by the world and are latching onto something they think they can control.

For example, you believe to lose weight you have to manage your calorie intake, adhere to a strict workout regime, and get lots of rest and water. Some of these “strategies” may get you where you want to go, but they may not be the only way to get there, and there may be a better way. But you believe this is the best way, so you attempt to control yourself onto this path, causing anxiety and feelings of unworthiness if you don’t stick to it. Or if you do stick with it, you will be severing other ways of existing, and have anxiety still around the fear that if you stop controlling you will lose your worthiness.

In reality, your body is wise and can regulate itself. But you believe it can’t do it on its own, so you control it. Once controlled you gain a sense of worth from it. But this is a false sense of value because in actuality you are worthy whether you control your health or not.  

Now, this is only one example, you can probably imagine this process in other areas of your life. Often times we attempt to control things because we can’t stand the truth or we can’t stand the chaos. The truth may very well be chaotic, not fully known and understandable.

Exercise to Release Control

Write down the areas in your life you feel like you are “trying.” What areas of your life feel out of control?

Let out all of the shit that is draining your energy. Keep writing if there is more stuff that wants to come out.

Look at it. I mean really look at the words on the paper.

Now close your eyes and say I forgive myself. Keep saying this until it really sets in.

Ask yourself, Could any of these be based on ideas that could not be true?

You may find that your attempt to control is not necessary, that the world has a way of unfolding that is similar to how you think it should be. Often times, the world’s way is actually way better and more awesome than we can imagine.

So it really does not make sense to control it, because it already is wise. It already knows how to do things.

Why do we get so worked up over controlling our lives? Can you laugh at the absurdity?

Say this to yourself: Even though I’ve been telling myself _(ex. I need to control my food intake and exercise to be healthy, or I have to check in with my partner so they know I love them)____, I forgive myself and I accept myself as I am.

Now ask yourself is there a belief that I could adopt that will free myself from having to control this thing (i.e., my body regulates itself and keeps a natural weight, or I have faith that my partner knows I care for them)?

EFT (aka Tapping) is an excellent resource for clearing away negative beliefs and reawakening holistic/truthful beliefs. It kind of follows the process above but adds a somatic approach that assists in sending messages into your body to restore your energy. Its underlying belief is that what you think and feel is connected to your body, and negative emotions can clog up your energy. Tapping releases blockage.

Gala Darling has been doing tapping sessions on her Youtube channel. I really love this one: TAPPING On Having The Confidence To Start!

Do or Do Not

“Do; or do not; there is no try.”

Yoda

We get so caught up in managing ourselves and trying to control our lives. It can erode our wellbeing if we don’t check ourselves – pushing our soul’s delights down into an unknown corner in our psyche.

We either are doing something, or we are not doing something. There is no in between. When you feel caught up in  “trying” go through the activity below to release whatever is holding you back, so you can move through your life with more ease.

A Wake-Up Call

Sometimes “Trying” is really a wake-up call to a truth you are avoiding.

It’s not what your soul wants

You know the shit you say you should do that you continually do not do, there could be a reason you are not doing it. And that reason could be, you are not meant to do it!!!

Check out Marie Foleo’s video on why procrastination can be a good thing.

It’s what your soul wants but you are getting in the way

Sometimes we are trying to do something, but we can’t because we are holding on to a belief (or many beliefs) that are preventing us from moving forward. Maybe we need to heal something about ourselves or let something go before we can be who we need to be to do the thing we want to do.

Mystery

Invite mystery into your life. Mystery is your friend. When you are able to release control in different areas of your life, you open yourself up to let the mysteries (some would call this god) work their own magic. But for us to benefit from these mysterious forces in the universe, we have to surrender control.

“Energy has its own rhythms; it can be shaped & directed, but never controlled.”

Starhawk

Much Love,
Kristina

Photos by: Timothy Paul Smith and Jake Noren on Unsplash