At being disciplined At showing up on time At making it work At losing weight At managing our time At looking for the good in situations At giving up addictions At being motivated At making time for everybody At creating good habits At being the best we can be I don’t know about you, but I’m so fucking sick of trying….
This idea of trying can be a way of attempting to control, deny, or alter something (about ourselves or the world). What we want to change, we believe will make our lives better, hence the trying. It’s quite ironic though because we do not change by trying to change.
The more we hold on, the less power we have
The Push & Pull of Control
When we are trying a voice in our head tells us – if only we can control this thing we will be worthy of life. We buy into this belief and attempt to squeeze ourselves into an idea that will bring us worthiness. But there’s another part of us that is resisting control, for one reason or another.
I like to think of this process as two people competing inside of us:
The first person wants to keep everything in order. They have an idea of how things should be. Looking into the future, they predict the best plan of attack or approach. They feel in order to survive, they must follow this plan of attack.
The other person wants to rebel against the orderer. They don’t want to be controlled, so they attempt to sabotage the order’s timetable. They believe there are other more important things than following the other person’s plan of attack. They could even know something that the orderer (the other person) is not seeing by rigidly controlling their environment.
This conflict is going on inside of us. The result often times is anxiety. How long can they keep up controlling? When will the facade break and what you have been avoiding or denying be revealed to you?
Both of these people inside you are believing an idea about how something should be. Now, this idea can have to do with anything ranging from general aspects of your life (i.e., work stability, body and health regulation, project management, etc.) or specific things you feel some control in (i.e., addictions, aspects in relationships, how you manage your time off, etc.). But the idea they have bought into could be wrong. They could feel overwhelmed by the world and are latching onto something they think they can control.
For example, you believe to lose weight you have to manage your calorie intake, adhere to a strict workout regime, and get lots of rest and water. Some of these “strategies” may get you where you want to go, but they may not be the only way to get there, and there may be a better way. But you believe this is the best way, so you attempt to control yourself onto this path, causing anxiety and feelings of unworthiness if you don’t stick to it. Or if you do stick with it, you will be severing other ways of existing, and have anxiety still around the fear that if you stop controlling you will lose your worthiness.
In reality, your body is wise and can regulate itself. But you believe it can’t do it on its own, so you control it. Once controlled you gain a sense of worth from it. But this is a false sense of value because in actuality you are worthy whether you control your health or not.
Now, this is only one example, you can probably imagine this process in other areas of your life. Often times we attempt to control things because we can’t stand the truth or we can’t stand the chaos. The truth may very well be chaotic, not fully known and understandable.
Exercise to Release Control
Write down the areas in your life you feel like you are “trying.” What areas of your life feel out of control?
Let out all of the shit that is draining your energy. Keep writing if there is more stuff that wants to come out.
Look at it. I mean really look at the words on the paper.
Now close your eyes and say I forgive myself. Keep saying this until it really sets in.
Ask yourself, Could any of these be based on ideas that could not be true?
You may find that your attempt to control is not necessary, that the world has a way of unfolding that is similar to how you think it should be. Often times, the world’s way is actually way better and more awesome than we can imagine.
So it really does not make sense to control it, because it already is wise. It already knows how to do things.
Why do we get so worked up over controlling our lives? Can you laugh at the absurdity?
Say this to yourself: Even though I’ve been telling myself _(ex. I need to control my food intake and exercise to be healthy, or I have to check in with my partner so they know I love them)____, I forgive myself and I accept myself as I am.
Now ask yourself is there a belief that I could adopt that will free myself from having to control this thing (i.e., my body regulates itself and keeps a natural weight, or I have faith that my partner knows I care for them)?
EFT (aka Tapping) is an excellent resource for clearing away negative beliefs and reawakening holistic/truthful beliefs. It kind of follows the process above but adds a somatic approach that assists in sending messages into your body to restore your energy. Its underlying belief is that what you think and feel is connected to your body, and negative emotions can clog up your energy. Tapping releases blockage.
We get so caught up in managing ourselves and trying to control our lives. It can erode our wellbeing if we don’t check ourselves – pushing our soul’s delights down into an unknown corner in our psyche.
We either are doing something, or we are not doing something. There is no in between. When you feel caught up in “trying” go through the activity below to release whatever is holding you back, so you can move through your life with more ease.
A Wake-Up Call
Sometimes “Trying” is really a wake-up call to a truth you are avoiding.
It’s not what your soul wants
You know the shit you say you should do that you continually do not do, there could be a reason you are not doing it. And that reason could be, you are not meant to do it!!!
It’s what your soul wants but you are getting in the way
Sometimes we are trying to do something, but we can’t because we are holding on to a belief (or many beliefs) that are preventing us from moving forward. Maybe we need to heal something about ourselves or let something go before we can be who we need to be to do the thing we want to do.
Mystery
Invite mystery into your life. Mystery is your friend. When you are able to release control in different areas of your life, you open yourself up to let the mysteries (some would call this god) work their own magic. But for us to benefit from these mysterious forces in the universe, we have to surrender control.
“Energy has its own rhythms; it can be shaped & directed, but never controlled.”
Even if you think you don’t, you do. We naturally judge the world in order to understand and process it. All of us do it. Now how we judge the world is quite different for different groups of people. Your values and beliefs create a kaleidoscopic lens, in which you see people through! Or you can call it your “biases.”
Many, if not all people, have felt the discrimination from someone who has judged us. Whether it was blatant harassment or just a mere snark, it penetrates deep. As we get older (or should I say get wiser) we learn that everybody is in their own world. They have biases that have nothing to do with us.
Though, If we get caught up in their world view (what they have judged us for), we can easily believe we are less valuable, less worthy than them. The judging person has a belief that people need to be, do, or act a specific way to be a ‘worthy’ person in the world. They could even believe a person has to look a certain way—wear certain clothes, carry themselves with particular manners, etc. Sometimes we have to look beyond blaming the judger and see the real culprit: society and cultural norms, rules & beliefs.
If We All Judge People, What Can We Do About It?
We can change out the lens in which we judge people. We can talk about it with our friends, co-workers, even write about it online ;). It’s called a cultural shift, and I think we are in the process of it now!
What We Should Judge People On
♦Their integrity to staying true to themselves -How real they are -How they say no to what they don’t want and yes to what they do -Speaking what is the truth within themselves -How confident they are in their own uniqueness
♦Character attributes like compassion, humility & honesty
♦What they give to the world without expecting anything in return -A talent/skill/pursuit/hobby they would do even if they did not get anything from it -providing an act of kindness, giving one’s attention, or going out of the way to affect a person positively
♦How they see the world// the lens they choose to observe life -Through love, humor, friendliness
♦What they have had to overcome & character strengths like perseverance, tenacity & grit
Next time you find yourself judging people on how much money they have or don’t have, how many followers they have on social media, or on what they look like I hope you remember this list!!
I’m ready for a world that not only accepts each and every person’s uniqueness but one that also believes the betterment of our neighbor is covertly the betterment of us all.
The word came zooming out of me as I attempted to imagine a person who has overcome obstacles and created their own life stories. I looked it up; Pizzazz means “an attractive combination of vitality and glamour.” Yup, these people I speak about, for sure have some vitality in them. They have reached inward and found the strength to change their circumstances! To change your outside world, you have to go up against all the stories and beliefs you hold about yourself and the world. Even further, you have to believe you CAN do this!
How Beliefs Work
Beliefs are stories we tell to ourselves and that we believe to be true. They are interesting things.
Implant: Somewhere along your journey, someone has told you something about yourself – verbally, non-verbally, or even unconsciously -aware or not, they were implanting an idea into you.
Gathering Proof: An idea or story is just that until you have gathered proof of its existence. The tricky thing is, often times, perception is distorted by ideas and beliefs. When we go looking for evidence of something we usually can find it.
Reinstate: The idea or story gets embedded into your identity – who you say you are.
Reality: That story becomes a reality for you.
The RESULT…
Limiting self or limiting world view Keeps you from seeing aspects about yourself or the world that contradicts the idea or story you believe.
The Power to Decide
Our power lies in being able to decide which stories we believe to be true about ourselves.
I am not saying we should live in a fantasy land, where we dismiss reality and make up our own stories. Though that sounds fun, it would leave out accountability and responsibility in all our relationships. We live interdependent upon other people. We have to be considerate with the power of telling stories, so they do not distort the truth or injure someone else’s value and power. We are all in this together!
You have the power to focus your energy on a better story about yourself!
Examples of limiting stories (and some other beliefs that may support them)
I am not creative (there are more productive things to do with my time)
I always need help doing things (I have difficulty figuring things out)
I can’t keep a job (no one understands or treats me right)
I will always be limited by my race or gender (people see me as a stereotype)
I am stubborn and a cynical person (It’s hard for me to change my ways)
I will never be able to be _ an actor, a doctor, a singer, a CEO__(I am from a particular background/class, and it’s challenging to change that)
I put other’s needs first (My needs are not as urgent as others)
I’m afraid of commitment (I don’t let other people influence my decisions; I’m a free spirit)
As you can conclude, these beliefs can hinder how you move and transform throughout your life. They may not be entirely wrong and they are not necessarily “bad,” but too much or too far one way can block new experiences from occurring.
To have more pizzazz, do not let the stories from society or even from people whom you’re close with define who you are. You define who you are. You determine what stories you believe!
The Magic of Believing In Yourself
One of the most devastating stories is one with the idea that you are not powerful. A small, insidious idea that you are a victim to the world around you, and you have no force for change. I grew up with this nasty belief. It is one that is hard to shake. It creeps into many areas of your life, keeping you stuck, complacent and even comfortable.
You can see it woven throughout all the stories I listed above. It is an underlining belief that distorts everything.
When we flip it, and believe the opposite – you are powerful, you are capable – magic occurs. Realizing and acting upon this power, we begin to see how we can change our reality. Is this not magic?
“Magic…the art of liberation, the act that releases the mysteries, that ruptures the fabric of our beliefs and lets us look into the heart of deep space where dwell the immeasurable, life-generating powers.”
Starhawk
The most crucial step in any form of change is the belief that it can happen.
You are capable of figuring out what is needed for the change you want to see in your life.
I stumbled upon the term self-efficacy during my studies in school and it profoundly changed my life!
Albert Bandura coined the term in his book, Self-Efficacy; The Exercise of Control. He explains that to study personal agency, we must first look at a person’s beliefs around their capability to cause change. Wow! Believing we are capable of creating change to get our desired outcomes is crucial to actually change!
You are capable of your core – you just have to remember. When you do, you are a force to be reckoned with. People will be wondering where you got all your pizzazz!
I’ll leave you with some questions:
What can you observe about your nature, about the stories you believe to be true about yourself?
You might believe a behavior/aspect/characteristic/quality can’t change, but if there is a sliver of a chance, what would you want to change about yourself or your life situation?
What would shift in your life if you believed you were capable of changing this?
So you didn’t do what you wanted to do today. You slacked off, lost track of time, let other people’s needs have your attention. When I say want to do today, I’m talking about the things you know will move you forward in a goal. Yeah, those things you should do a little bit of every day to inch you closer to your dreams. When it comes to changing our actions, no matter how simple they may seem, it is hard. We come up against excuses, fears, limiting beliefs, and doubts. They all work to ultimately protect us but they hinder change.
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Excuses
You could have put them off for a slew of reasons. These may be true, but most of the time they are excuses. They are the product of your brain rationalizing why you can’t or shouldn’t do the thing you want to.
I don’t have enough energy
I don’t know how to start
I can do it tomorrow
I don’t know how to manage my time
Someone else needed my time & energy
I’m not ready
Feeling Uncomfortable
When we undergo change, it is quite uncomfortable for us. Even when we know that doing something will help us in our future logically, many unconscious attributes are stopping us from changing. Things like fears, doubts, limiting beliefs, and patterns of being and doing in the world affect us in ways we often don’t realize.
Fears
you are afraid you will make a fool out of yourself
you are afraid it will be hard
you are afraid you will fail
you are afraid your life will change
you are afraid you will succeed
Fears can be easier than others to recognize then let’s say limiting beliefs. But don’t get wrong, they are still sly. They can hold you back, and if not checked they can be the grounding for your rationalizing the opposite of what you truly want.
Doubts
Doubts can be harmful because they are pulling back our intent, our energy toward that which we really do want or need to change. When we do not fully commit to something, there is the possibility that we will give our energy to something else. This quote says it impeccably:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”
~William Hutchinson Murray
Limiting Beliefs
People who have money are greedy
People who own a business have no personal time
People who are fit are always dieting and can never indulge
If I’m a happy person, then I can never show any dark emotions
People who are light-hearted and funny, don’t care about anything
As you can see from this list, beliefs can be all-encompassing, stereotypical, and very black & white. When you hold a view that is like this, it hinders you because you fear that will be the truth for you.
For example, you have a strong belief that greed is one of the leading problems in our world. Then let’s say when you were a child your parents always justified their low income because they believed it was humbling. They didn’t care about having a lot of money; they didn’t want to be like all those rich people who were destroying the world. Now as an adult, you don’t understand why you can’t save and get past a certain income bracket. Well ta-da… you have a belief that is preventing you from having money (and being greedy).
Moving Through Change
Let’s get one thing straight here, you can’t fix these things. Yup, let that sink in. Attempting to fix so-called “problems” is like putting a bandaid over a deep cut that really needs some stitches. You must do the work, mending as you go.
You are made up of everything from your past—all your experiences, trauma, failures, and accomplishments. You carry them with you. Now how you interpret, use them, and deem important to your identity are up to you. Change is a process, like everything else in life. Learn to love the processes, and you will begin to love life.
Forgive yourself. You are only human. Everyone fails, fears, and screws up. Don’t make it mean something about you.
Sure you did or didn’t do something, but that doesn’t mean you are a certain type of person. Feel the guilt and devise a plan of action for next time when excuses, fears, or doubts come creeping in.
What You Can Do
Plan of Action Before Excuses Come Up
Since you know certain excuses will come up, you can devise a plan for when they do. For example:
you always feel like you don’t have enough energy, so plan to do whatever it is in the morning so you can’t use that excuse.
you are afraid you will fail, so write out on a piece of paper, It doesn’t matter if I fail or succeed I am doing this because it is something my heart desires.
The 5-Second Rule
This strategy was created by Mel Robbins. It helps me when I’m caught making excuses or doubting myself. Whenever you have the thought to do something you know you need to do to better your life start counting down: 5,4,3,2,1. After you say one, don’t think about it anymore and just start. Action can stop the excuses and doubt in their tracks, losing the power they have over you.
Write It Out – Bringing Fears & Limiting Beliefs to the Light
Write out how you feel about the subject you are having trouble acting on. How does it make you feel? Do you have any fears or hopes around it? What are some beliefs you have about the people who do it or have it? How do your parents feel about the subject? —This might help you become aware of the fears and beliefs that could be holding you back.
Now, are these fears true? Do you really believe them in your heart? Sometimes we can fear something because we have a belief supporting it. Your fear may be real but is the belief true? Is there any way that it can be not true? Can you think of an example of why it is not true?
Write out why it is not true on a piece of paper you can see regularly.
Be realistic in the process of change, this doesn’t mean ditch the dream. Keep it dear to your heart while you are stumbling. Let it be your compass!
What if I told you-you don’t have to do anything to be cool? or What if I said, “You don’t have to try so hard to be liked?” With so much information out there about “How to” do/become/get_something, you probably would find it hard to believe where you are right now is good enough to be happy with yourself. People are writing everywhere telling us what to do to be happy, have a better life, find a life partner. What if instead, you already are those things you desire? You already have it in you to feel okay?
What if we calm down on the searching and acknowledge the present Bring the shaming into the light and increase the accepting Drop the conditions and see the truth?
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Unconditional Acceptance
The many different systems that run our society—religions, industries, communities, and organizations—all have pervasive structures of beliefs. In some way or another, they have power over us because we feel discontent, inadequate, fearful, lost, etc. I’m not saying all of them are bad. Of course, we have good people living out their values, changing industries, saving lives, creating art, giving hope, etc. But we can’t be in denial of how these systems influence us. Many of them thrive on us thinking and feeling we are not okay. Not just with ourselves but with where we are at in life, and with our possessions and accomplishments.
It has us feeling: We must buy the new technology to feel current. Plan the next step in our career not to fall behind. Since we don’t have a partner right now, there must be something we need to change about ourselves. If we don’t feel happy, so there’s something wrong about us that we need to fix. We feel hollow, so we must search the world for the spiritual.
I call bullshit!
Surrender
Your mind will run with excuses for why you are not okay right now. Partly it is trying to protect you from fear—fear of not getting love, not feeling self-esteem, etc. And in part, it has on repeat, a message you received from someone in your past. It is so easy to believe what is going on inside you is the truth, but it depends how that perceived “truth” got there!
Surrender into letting all those thoughts and feelings dissolve. They may be true; who knows; who cares really? What is important is you are okay now.
There is no real danger where you are right now.
Accept
I’m not saying you should never grow or that there aren’t things about your life that can’t improve. God knows, I’m not perfect, and I always have the itch for growth.
But, you are already imperfectly perfect as you are. You are lovable, fun, smart, caring, and cool now.
Please for the love of everything holy, accept yourself. We so readily accept other people. We tell our partners we love them no matter what. When a friend comes to us feeling shitty, we tell them it’s okay to feel that way. Would it be that hard to do the same for yourself?
Show Up
“I decided that the most subversive, revolutionary thing I could do was to show up for my life and not be ashamed.” -Anne Lamott
Accepting does not mean we do not change. Actually, quite the opposite happens. When we stop resisting, denying, and looking for answers outside of ourselves, we free up vital energy for our growth.
When we say yes to how we are right now, more things come into our perception that we want to say yes to (instead of things we dislike, showing up).
It is a rebellious act to show up for your life and say here I am and I accept myself. You hold all the cards. You become the decider in if you are okay. Messages that would easily slip into your psyche before, no longer have the power to manipulate you.
You are already cool, radiating with beauty beyond measure. Love is your birthright. You have the power and right to love yourself at this moment! There is much magic and wonder in the space you reside in right now, not down the road.
NOW.
Stop searching and show up in your life, as is. Because you fucking rock!
