We long to feel like we belong somewhere in the world. We search for it in people, in another city, and even in groups of people united by some ideology, but the sense of belonging will never stand if we do not create it within ourselves. Even more, if we do not understand how the Earth is alive with all its living beings communing and co-existing together, we cannot feel part of it.
In my life, I’ve tended to find something that made me different from the people around me and used that to justify the belief that I did not belong. Which by me doing this it would catapult me into the search for another place, another friend, another identity. But I had it all wrong, it wasn’t my outside circumstances or environment that needed to change per se, it was my logic, or how I was perceiving “belonging” that needed to shift.
Many ideas and beliefs hinder us from connecting and belonging. Shifting these beliefs are key toward a path of belonging and building a feeling of community. What I think is most important though, is the sense of power that grows back into your life. You have the ability to discern and evaluate what ideas and beliefs rule over you.
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Subjects vs. Objects
Our society sees the world as a bunch of objects for humans to collect. Even knowledge, ideas, and adventures are observed as flat accomplishments, things to put under our belt. People tend to hoard these things and want more than other humans! Even money is known as a thing. We rarely think about “money” as currency, as energy, used to create action between two people exchanging items, gifts, food, services, etc.
Firstly, when we value all humans, living creatures other than humans, even elements of the Earth, we are acknowledging their presence, their gift to the world. Seeing them as a subject instead of an object gives them space, freedom to be, able to interact as they choose fit with other subjects. Women don’t like to be “objectified” by men. It belittles us, strips us from our depth of character, turns us into a sexual object. Why do we, humans, do that to so many things!? When we allow the world to be, we ultimately are saying it is okay for us to be, just as we are.
“We must say of the universe that it is a communion of subjects not a collection of objects.” Thomas Berry
The Other
We fear what we do not know. Other cultures and ways of living are foreign to our ways of life. Each of us has been raised into a web of beliefs and rules that we use to filter what is “acceptable” through. We then project all those onto other people, seeing them through those filters. (Check out a previous post on the ways society suppresses.)
What if we believe that everyone has something to teach us? What if we allow ourselves to possibly be wrong? I mean we are domesticated into our culture and beliefs, they could be wrong… What if we find interest in what another has to say and attempt to listen and understand them? I’m not just talking about words and the English language. There are many other ways of communicating and understanding between subjects. And I’m not just talking about between humans…
What if we stop and ask what the animals are trying to say? What if when we go on a hike, we ask mother nature, “what are you saying to me?” To feel like we belong, we want to feel heard, be listened to. So when you begin to do it with others, you are teaching them how to reciprocate it.
“To be native to a place we must learn to speak its language.” Robin Wall Kimmerer
There’s no Room for Me
Do you ever feel like there are so many people doing awesome things that there might not be room for you? I have often felt this way. Or have you felt like you shouldn’t pursue what your passionate about because someone has to do the “hard” stuff (The things no one else wants to do)?
Searching for, cultivating and understanding your gifts may at first seem selfish. When we broaden our sight though, we begin to understand that the world and society are based on give & take systems. To exist in it is to contribute to it. I’m not just talking about what we can give to our economy, by ways of “work.” It is poisonous to narrow life to just that. I am talking about the array of gifts we can give out into the world: i.e., kindness, helping others see the bigger picture, having a knack for detail, being great at getting people to come together, or simply able to hold presence to remind people to slow down. We can apply these “gifts” anywhere in life, in different industries, in different settings.
Nature and ecology can teach us that each organism, each part has its purpose. When lived out in collaboration with others everything can flourish. So self-inquiry is essential in a communion world where people give their best selves. By you expressing your unique gifts you compliment and allow others to express theirs. This creates a web of encouragement and support, giving us a sense of belonging.
Fitting In
Since we were young, we have been domesticated, given rewards for following the norm and following the standards of our society and communities. We have also been punished in small, insidious ways, leaving us fearful that we will lose connection, one of our basic human needs. Thus, our constant act of trying to fit in. The downfall of this is many people think their real, authentic self is not what it will take to “fit in” so they try their hardest to be “normal” or whatever that group/community says is acceptable.
How sad is this! After years of playing these games (we don’t even realize we are doing it) we wonder why we feel so lost. We wonder why we feel distant from the people in our lives. We have forgotten ourselves, our true selves. This is when we often break down, have a mid-life unraveling, or demand significant change to fix our feelings of not belonging.
In the moments when you realize you are not happy, not seen, not connected are the moments you can really harness to create change. Often though, we think we have to have an external change. Yes, this could be necessary, but more than that we need an internal change.
So many of us feel this way! What if you decide to not change your friends, your work environment, your community but instead change how you show up?
What if you decide that self-acceptance is more important than fitting in?
Feeling Connected
Lastly, deep down we all want to feel seen, feel valued, feel worthy, be accepted, and have a voice for who we truly are. So how do we show up as our authentic selves and still make meaningful connections?
In Brene Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), she gives four elements of shame resilience to help people like you and I move through shame. This is what is needed to go up against all the “shoulds” of society. In her book, she explains that fear, blame, and disconnection is a byproduct of shame, and building resilience will move us toward a life of empathy with courage, compassion, and connection as byproducts.
It takes looking at our own fears and the shame we carry. Brene Brown says, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” It is when we believe that something about ourselves is not normal. We feel powerless to change our lives. After looking at our shame, and realizing everyone has it because we all have expectations put on us, we can then reach out to others and speak it. This creates an opportunity for connection, to have someone else say #metoo. This creates space for empathy, where you and I both find common ground in the difficulties of being a human in this world.
So then we must create different expectations for ourselves. But only you can do that! And just as you would show support and empathy for the difficult task of staying true to one’s self-chosen beliefs about what and who they should be to others, you can do the same for yourself.
Courage Foward
Show yourself compassion as you continue to understand yourself and speak your truths (Gala Darling always inspires me, her journey toward belonging). Remember that by listening to others and trying to understand them you are opening space for reciprocity.
I hope by reading these shifts in thinking you can begin to feel powerful again because you have the power of discernment (Check out a previous post on ways of knowing, that could assist you in power of discernment).
You can decide to live your life according to holistic, inclusive, courageous beliefs. You are already worthy of love, of acceptance, of joy.
Step up and step out there. Tell me how this article makes you feel in the comments below. Let’s connect!
Much Love,
Kristina