So you didn’t do what you wanted to do today. You slacked off, lost track of time, let other people’s needs have your attention. When I say want to do today, I’m talking about the things you know will move you forward in a goal. Yeah, those things you should do a little bit of every day to inch you closer to your dreams. When it comes to changing our actions, no matter how simple they may seem, it is hard. We come up against excuses, fears, limiting beliefs, and doubts. They all work to ultimately protect us but they hinder change.
Excuses
You could have put them off for a slew of reasons. These may be true, but most of the time they are excuses. They are the product of your brain rationalizing why you can’t or shouldn’t do the thing you want to.
I don’t have enough energy
I don’t know how to start
I can do it tomorrow
I don’t know how to manage my time
Someone else needed my time & energy
I’m not ready
Feeling Uncomfortable
When we undergo change, it is quite uncomfortable for us. Even when we know that doing something will help us in our future logically, many unconscious attributes are stopping us from changing. Things like fears, doubts, limiting beliefs, and patterns of being and doing in the world affect us in ways we often don’t realize.
Fears
you are afraid you will make a fool out of yourself
you are afraid it will be hard
you are afraid you will fail
you are afraid your life will change
you are afraid you will succeed
Fears can be easier than others to recognize then let’s say limiting beliefs. But don’t get wrong, they are still sly. They can hold you back, and if not checked they can be the grounding for your rationalizing the opposite of what you truly want.
Doubts
Doubts can be harmful because they are pulling back our intent, our energy toward that which we really do want or need to change. When we do not fully commit to something, there is the possibility that we will give our energy to something else. This quote says it impeccably:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”
~William Hutchinson Murray
Limiting Beliefs
People who have money are greedy
People who own a business have no personal time
People who are fit are always dieting and can never indulge
If I’m a happy person, then I can never show any dark emotions
People who are light-hearted and funny, don’t care about anything
As you can see from this list, beliefs can be all-encompassing, stereotypical, and very black & white. When you hold a view that is like this, it hinders you because you fear that will be the truth for you.
For example, you have a strong belief that greed is one of the leading problems in our world. Then let’s say when you were a child your parents always justified their low income because they believed it was humbling. They didn’t care about having a lot of money; they didn’t want to be like all those rich people who were destroying the world. Now as an adult, you don’t understand why you can’t save and get past a certain income bracket. Well ta-da… you have a belief that is preventing you from having money (and being greedy).
Moving Through Change
Let’s get one thing straight here, you can’t fix these things. Yup, let that sink in. Attempting to fix so-called “problems” is like putting a bandaid over a deep cut that really needs some stitches. You must do the work, mending as you go.
You are made up of everything from your past—all your experiences, trauma, failures, and accomplishments. You carry them with you. Now how you interpret, use them, and deem important to your identity are up to you. Change is a process, like everything else in life. Learn to love the processes, and you will begin to love life.
Forgive yourself. You are only human. Everyone fails, fears, and screws up. Don’t make it mean something about you.
Sure you did or didn’t do something, but that doesn’t mean you are a certain type of person. Feel the guilt and devise a plan of action for next time when excuses, fears, or doubts come creeping in.
What You Can Do
Plan of Action Before Excuses Come Up
Since you know certain excuses will come up, you can devise a plan for when they do. For example:
you always feel like you don’t have enough energy, so plan to do whatever it is in the morning so you can’t use that excuse.
you are afraid you will fail, so write out on a piece of paper, It doesn’t matter if I fail or succeed I am doing this because it is something my heart desires.
The 5-Second Rule
This strategy was created by Mel Robbins. It helps me when I’m caught making excuses or doubting myself. Whenever you have the thought to do something you know you need to do to better your life start counting down: 5,4,3,2,1. After you say one, don’t think about it anymore and just start. Action can stop the excuses and doubt in their tracks, losing the power they have over you.
Write It Out – Bringing Fears & Limiting Beliefs to the Light
Write out how you feel about the subject you are having trouble acting on. How does it make you feel? Do you have any fears or hopes around it? What are some beliefs you have about the people who do it or have it? How do your parents feel about the subject? —This might help you become aware of the fears and beliefs that could be holding you back.
Now, are these fears true? Do you really believe them in your heart? Sometimes we can fear something because we have a belief supporting it. Your fear may be real but is the belief true? Is there any way that it can be not true? Can you think of an example of why it is not true?
Write out why it is not true on a piece of paper you can see regularly.
Be realistic in the process of change, this doesn’t mean ditch the dream. Keep it dear to your heart while you are stumbling. Let it be your compass!
As a new year rolls around, it has all of us planning for change. Instead of creating “New Year’s resolutions” I’m shaking up the status quo and directing my attention to what I desire! Very often we create goals because we believe when we achieve them we will feel happy, fulfilled, or (insert another feeling here). At the start of a new year, we have so much hope more than any other time of the year. “Maybe this will be the year I lose 10 pounds.” “This will be the year I travel abroad.”
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are doing it all wrong! Here is a better way to bring in the new year to create change in your life.
Another Year, Another You
Figure out how you want to feel A great resource I use to do this is Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map. It is a book/workbook that gives prompts to assist you in deciding how you want to feel in all areas of your life. She provides many examples of feelings. It will have you excited about all the possibilities for them in your life.
Make the decision to have these feelings be your ultimate aim They are an intention you set for your state of mind and your state of emotions. An outside goal, whether completed or failed, should not affect your desired state.
Create goals that will assist you in staying in these feelings Remember, feelings have energy. By aligning our thoughts with what we truly want to feel, we use our mind to solve issues and create circumstances that agree with our desires.
Reevaluate when necessary You change, life changes – don’t be afraid to speak up for what you want. You are the ultimate decider for how you want your life to feel, look, and be.
My 5 core desired feelings:
Poise
Communion
Space
Vibrant
Creative
I got these from going through Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map Workbook. Your desires are all your own. You hold the definition of the words in you. For me, the words above conjure up specific feelings I wish to embody and have in my life. Let your words speak to you; find ones that spark and light you up!
We can’t forget the stories we tell ourselves! Yup, I’m talking about belief systems. These can assist us in our desires, or they can entirely stop them from ever manifesting in our lives. They are like strong, deep roots buried deep within our psyche. Just when you think you have almost uprooted one, you find little tendons, strong as hell, holding on. I believe we can never fully eradicate some of them. History, trauma, culture, and an array of other influences keep them rooted.
What we can do though is water ones that serve our desires, grounding us in how we truly want to feel.
Come up with 5 beliefs you want to have for the new year, preferably ones that assist you in staying in your desired feelings. I suggest spitting them out without much filtering. Allow yourself to know what is good for you!
My 5 beliefs I will keep close:
Life is on my side; it wants me to flourish.
My inner world is perfect just how it is.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Laughter is the best medicine.
I have the power to nourish what I want in my life.
Cheers to staying true to what you desire! Cheers to another year! Cheers to being here to experience it!
If you are like me, you want to be in the driver’s seat of your life. You know, deciding which direction the vehicle will head, with both hands on the steering wheel. Actually, one hand on the steering wheel and one out the window, cuz come on, we don’t want to take life too seriously (this is a metaphor, please don’t think I’m saying that we should not drive safe). But honestly, we want to feel like we are capable and free to choose our path. I want you to know you have the power within you, to restore that sense of control in your life!
The Wrong Kind of Control
Often times, we sabotage our lives, with control. Not the good kind of control either. The control I believe poisons our world is the one where we attempt to keep things the same in order to know our future will be the same or try to prevent harm from happening. This creates a sense of security.
It feels like we have a warm blanket wrapped around us and our mother is telling us everything will be okay. But this control (keeping things the same) is not the one you want to attain.
It is an illusion to believe we can control the future. You ultimately are resisting and manipulating your present life, with an array of beliefs, emotions, and actions. Of course, most of the time, we are doing this unconsciously. Why would we sabotage change that could be for the better?
Shift How You Perceive Control
Imagine you are swimming down a river. There is a current – going one way. You can try to swim back up it. You may even be able to, but it will only exhaust you because the river is always moving forward.
Accepting this forward motion, you realize you can do certain things to move from one area of the river to the other while moving forward. Ahhh this is what I can control, runs through your head.
Your sense of relief and peace is shattered though with a voice you know oh too well – worry. Where will this river take me, you wonder? Will it lead to a deadly waterfall? Will it pour me into a raging sea? It consumes you, and you begin to panic. Your breath now becomes shallow, and you fear you may drown, right here right now.
A voice emerges and reminds you, you can’t predict what will come down the river, you must trust in yourself that you will be able to handle it when it comes.
Look at what worrying is doing to you; you may kill yourself from it. You take a deep breath and come back to where you are at now. The birds are chirping in the overhanging tree above you. You begin to laugh because you don’t have it that bad. There is peace in the river’s motion.
You start to sing, and a few seconds later you have a consecrating aha moment. By deciding to accept where I am right now and deciding to make the most of it, I am ultimately choosing my future one moment at a time.
We cannot control life, or even our life for that matter. We are not God or magicians. What we can do is align ourselves and our life with specific energy and desired outcomes.
What we can control is ourselves. The feelings we hold, the stories we tell ourselves, and the actions we take every day are what we are in charge of.
Let Go of Security and the Need to Feel Safe
Like I said above security is an illusion. When we let go of trying to feel safe all the time, we can replace it with deeply knowing and feeling we can take life as it comes.
Learn Who You Are
It is a journey of transformation – claiming your inherent power as a conscious, capable human being. It takes looking at your weaknesses and your strengths, your shadows and your light.
When you begin to know yourself, with all your polarities, through experience, you will become resilient and grounded. No one or nothing can throw you off your axel. Sure people and events can jerk you a bit, but you’re grounded. This is power.
5 Positive Beliefs That Will Keep You in the Driver’s Seat
Choose Love over Fear Whenever you notice a fearful story running in your mind, inciting strong emotions, remind yourself you don’t have to believe your mind. Fear is a surviving mechanism our brain uses, but most of the time we are not in any real danger. So when you are not in physical danger, decide to invite love into the story.
You can control how you show up in each moment How you show up in any given circumstance can affect the situation drastically. Have you ever heard E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome)? I remember this from reading The Success Principles by Jack Canfield years ago, and it stuck! This reminds us that our presence is everything and how we show up can affect the outcome!
There is only one you There is only one you in this whole world, with all your desires, feelings, and skills. Your path will look and feel different than everyone else’s. Knowing this, you can tune into yourself for guidance because there is not another you. Who would know what this one life should do more than you?
What other’s think of you is none of your business Every person sees other people through their own lens. These different lenses can be biased, tainted, backed by beliefs that are totally different than yours. When you are staying true to your core beliefs and following your heart, and know other’s will see things differently, if they criticize or even appreciate you it will not throw you off balance.
The Universe Has Your Back “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe” -Albert Einstein. When we believe the universe is a friendly place, we then can let a lot of our fears go. Whatever you believe to be a higher power, whether it be God, the source, multiple gods/energies, turn to it for guidance. If it is a friendly place, then it can assist you in your life.
This is part seven of the Women Who Dare to Be Wild series, the last post in this one! I cherish this series because the wild woman archetype opened up my life. By letting her free within myself, accepting her wisdom and cycles, I feel grounded in my encounters. I hope you can hear the call to rise within your heart and soul, to take the leap into open waters and come back home to your deepest drives. The journey with the wild woman is one that will restore balance in your life.
To live your best life, you must journey within yourself. Ask the tough questions, and listen to what your inner voice is telling you. An easy way to do this (that anyone can do) is through journaling. This assists you in listening to your inner voice, your wise voice. As you do this, you will begin to differentiate what you want from what society believes you should want. You will start to hear your own desires from your heart and soul. With the attributes of the wild here, you can observe your life through a different lens and begin to integrate holistic beliefs into your everyday life.
Ground Yourself
As you embark on this journey remember your truths, remember what grounds you in your world. When I say your truths, I am talking about faith. What do you believe in your bones? What gets you through your darkest days? What did your mother, your father, your grandmother, your childhood hero say to you when you were feeling down?
Truths I keep dear when I’m going through change:
❤ I am capable of figuring out anything as it comes up
❤ There is a higher power which is on my side
❤ We each have our own journeys to walk, and each one is different
❤ I am unique in the most wonderful of ways
❤ I am not less than or better than anyone else
❤ This too shall pass
❤ There is beauty in this, find it
❤ I am a resilient badass warrior
❤ I have people in my life who I can call, see, etc. (even if I don’t stay in contact with them)
Life can get bumpy when we decide to make changes, especially ones where we are changing ourselves. But these are the best kinds of rides. These rides are when you truly feel alive, when you begin to feel authentic. So recall those truths, keep them close to your heart, and hold on for this is life and it’s a wild ride.
Let Go & Dive In
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not rainbows and butterflies all the time. You will feel things we, often times, try to avoid feeling. You will rub right up against voices (little gremlins) that whisper awful things to you.
Have you ever heard of the idea that as adults we don’t need other people telling us how to act or how to be anymore because we have internalized all the domestication since we were young? This is where the voices come from!
We must go up against who we use to be (this includes the influencers we have had in our lives) to become the next version of ourselves. This can happen in slight adjustments, or it can feel like we have shattered into many pieces causing us to fully break, requiring us to rebuild our sense of self into a completely different build.
Let go of needing to be in control and feeling secure. These are overrated. A state of vulnerability is where we grow. Vulnerability has such a bad rep. If you haven’t listened to Brene Brown’s TED talk on the subject, go do so now. In this state we are following our hearts, we are creating a new world, a new us.
“We must practice magic – the art of changing consciousness at will.” -Starhawk
Journey On
It can be a fun, adventurous endeavor as you become more wild at heart and relish in the feminine attributes of yourself and the life around you. We all long for a different way of being where there is balance in ourselves. This can be possible. Your racing mind can settle, and you can begin to play with life. You can dance to your feelings. You can flow with the currents. You can remember you are connected with everyone and everything around you. Open yourself to life, and it will show you its magic.
The journey with the Wild Woman though, it not your only one. We each embark on many journeys, many cycles that bring us closer to our best self.
Interested in learning more about a journey’s cycle, check out this short video on Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey, this article all about the heroine’s journey, this interesting article on a change curve, and another motivational post on why we need journeys!
Books that inspired me to write this series:
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D
The Fire and the Rose by Bud Harris, Ph.D
Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde
Wild Creative by Tami Lynn Kent
If Women Rose Rooted by Sharon Blackie
The Soul’s Code by James Hillman
Decolonizing Methodologies by Linda Tuhiwai Smith
Truth or Dare by Starhawk
Dreaming The Dark by Starhawk
Rise Sister Rise by Rebecca Campbell
Check out the previous posts in this series here! No need to worry about reading them in order, they can flow read backwards and mixed up.
I believe these never stand alone in the process of knowing and being in the world. They are inter-tangled in processes. A process may jump from one to another, yet to return to the first mode.
<This has happened to me plenty of times. When I was deciding if I should separate from the Air Force or stay in, my mind laid out the pros and cons, going over and over them. I finally broke down crying on a phone call with my mom. I was so painfully torn between what seemed like the rational decision (completing my term and saving up money in the process), and what I felt I must do (get out early, move to the Bay Area, and go back to school).
Experiences like this, remind us we can listen to our hearts and our instincts. Sometimes they are exactly what we should listen to. I’m not saying abandon logic and rational thinking. What I am saying is it doesn’t know everything, like it wants you to believe.
The interconnectedness of our different modes of learning can teach us the interconnectedness of other things. As with West, East, North, and South, Thinking, Feeling, Intuition, and Instincts are all on the same map. They all are attempting to chart out the map, to say this way is the way, but one doesn’t exist without the others. For on a map, east doesn’t mean anything without the awareness of west. Understanding this, we can better understand our feelings, thoughts, etc.
When do we talk about the other ways of knowing? Other ways of being in this world? Different ways of making sense of ourselves?
Do we learn them in school? From our parents, friends, co-workers?
Education in our society is for the mind.
“We need to be in touch with all aspects of ourselves. Each informs, but none controls, the others.” Starhawk
Why Care About Balance
I sit writing this, wondering what the point is? Hmmm, the POINT???
We have cut off so much of who we are. We live in a culture that sends us subliminal messages by the shit ton. You know what some of these are: -You are a nobody if you don’t go to school to be somebody -In order to feel good about yourself you need to look a specific way -Money rules the world -Wanting more is greedy -God is selfless as so you should be -Sex is dirty -Being confident means you speak up, let people know you exist -The more you accomplish, the happier you will be.
I could go on and on, coming up with messages we get from society. Rules to live by. Morals to believe as truth. We stretch ourselves thin. We deny modes of existing and being that are not ‘normal.’ We oversimplify our lives with ration.
It’s no wonder we are angry, depressed, and confused.
Our personal power, if we are not conscious, can easily diminish, be forgotten about -like a muscle not worked, it can become weak. Our focus for gauging our value and worth as a person is directed outside in society. Therefore, I am here to remind you to remember your inner strength, worth, power of discernment, and inner wisdom.
We must take responsibility for our growth and our balance. Liberating all of who we are, allowing it to be as it is, learning how to creatively exist with the unknown aspects in ourselves, and designing our beautiful lives with all of it, is what I believe the goal is here.
Times sure have changed; we are releasing delusions that define what a woman and man should be. We are starting to create different beliefs that heal our psyches and change the ways we show up for others. But don’t be fooled, the forces in society will keep trying to control you. When you let up, fall asleep, become too tired to drive anymore someone else will attempt to guide you on their trajectory. Be vigilant with your awareness, and know you have the power within you to create your inner world and your outer.
Expand Your Awareness
Open the doors to other ways of knowing, they may take you to places you have never been. Release your control and bring your awareness to your body, your feelings, and the grounding-ness of the earth you live in.
Relish in the moving forces within yourself. You have so much within you. Neither good nor bad, it is a beautiful chaotic miracle.
There is so much we don’t know that we don’t know. Allow this to humble you, but not take away your curiosity – curiosity to explore the depths of yourself and the world. I urge you to not believe everything your mind says, to use logic when your heart is feeling deeply, to listen to where your instincts are guiding you, and to trust there is something bigger going on than your problems.
It is a call to return to your true nature. I hope you stay tuned for the next few posts in this series where we will discuss what wild looks like in nature and in your life, what desire is, and how to use desire to transform your life.
Let me know what you think. Have you noticed ways in which you have known something through means of instincts, feelings, or intuition? Is rational thinking running the show in your life? Let’s chat in the comment section below.
