Imagine this, your co-worker walks into work and you ask, what’s wrong? She feels comfortable sharing her feelings because you are great at holding space for the worst of people while remembering their best. She doesn’t have to hid any emotions in fear that someone will use it against her. You are able to do this because you’ve learned how to do it for yourself.

It leads to the question, how can we bring about an emotionally acceptable culture without losing our positive mentality?

Allow the Not So Good Feelings

It’s one thing to hold space for other’s difficult emotions. You totally can do that right? But let’s get real it’s much harder to do for ourselves.

When the Inner Critic Reigns

Have you ever been highly attuned to where you are falling short, things you need to heal, fix, or let go of? You’re a conscious person and you want to leave the world a better place. So you keep yourself on track. It’s admirable what the voices within us can assist with. Though, when they go over board, when they begin to employ nasty tactics to get you in shape, they cause more harm than good. What I’m talking about here is our inner critic that judges, critiques, or shames us for some perceived lack or negative emotion with the goal of bettering us.

First off, seeing something we don’t like in our lives or something that is getting in the way of our happiness is a step toward healing and change. We have identified it, however unclear it is (i.e., unidentified sensations, moods, images). 

Then the emotions that come with the symptom—guilt, embarrassment, sadness, grief—are natural. They are part of the full human spectrum. When we allow ourselves to be in them, really feel them in our bodies, they can transform; they can show us something about our lives. The key is to allow them space without bringing in that inner critic. We’ll dive into this further.

When Self-Critique Snow Balls Into A Depressive State

When the inner critic comes in it adds another layer of suffering. In The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, Mark Manson names this phenomenon as the feedback loop from hell. Instead of feeling an emotion and letting it go, we judge ourselves for having it. Then our judgement causes us to feel that emotion again and the cycle continues. Echkart Tolle also talks about this same thing when he reveals that the stories our minds make up about our emotions actually perpetuate the emotions.

The problem here is that we have so many subconscious cultural beliefs that tell us negative emotions are bad like anxiety, sadness, anger. Not only do we exclude certain emotions from sitting at the cool table, we exclude personal characteristics that are too much or not enough. We are constantly managing what is us by excluding what we perceive is not us—on an unconscious level—and that which we perceive as not us is denied. 

How to Stay Positive When You Don’t Feel Like It

Having a positive attitude is important. How then do we stay positive without denying the prickly parts of life? 

Hold Off On Making Meaning

Remember when we judge or shame ourselves for feeling something we are telling a story about its meaning. It’s not the actual emotions that are making us feel shitty. It is the meaning we make out of those emotions. Here’s some steps to stay with the emotions without being in the story:

1. Notice when uncomfortable emotions or stories arise.

2. Remember you are a strong, capable human being who has endured a lot.

3. Drop into your body and sense what is going on. Where do you feel the emotions? In your chest? In your forehead? In your shoulders? Gut? Thighs?  What does it feel like? Throbbing? Heavy? Wobbly? Tense? Clenching?

4. Sit with the bodily sensation. What is it doing? Does it change?

Call Bullshit On Your Story

Changing the story around what is happening without denying it is key here. You have the power to tell a different story. You don’t have the power to control your emotions. Sorry it doesn’t work that way. Though, as you begin to come into a better relationship with them your overall health increases. 

1. What story are you telling about your emotions? about your moods? about yourself? 

2. Is this story really true?

3. Call bullshit on the story!

Give Yourself Compassion

We often can be our own worst enemy, attempting to get our butts into gear through authoritative measures, whether you think of this as harsh parenting or drill sergeant style motivation. Sometimes, YES, this is what we need. Other times, thinking of our delicate emotions as an innocent child, we need to show compassion for our feelings and thoughts. As we begin to lend compassionate and encouraging words to the part of ourselves that is hurting, we are improving our relationship with it without denying it. 

Allow Complexity

The next step is to allow complexity: holding the shitty parts of living while knowing that life is way too precious to not love, hope, and enjoy. When we allow and experience complexity it builds character, humbling us to the core, and expands our resiliency in the face of uncertainty. It makes us better human beings, for we can allow others to be in uncomfortable emotions without making meaning out of it.

 For example:

• You can accept that something is not going right in your life while you see positive momentum overall. 
• You can feel proud of your accomplishment while you feel sad that others don’t have the same opportunities.
• You can admit you treated someone poorly while remembering you value kindness.
• You can talk about the good things going for yourself while grieving a loved one.

If you apply these four ways of staying positive what would they do for you in your life? How would you experience your emotions differently? 

much love,
Kristina